One more time for the fans at home.

So my shittest day ever happened about a month and a half ago when I lost my wallet and all my yen. Since I kind of just lose everything the devastation was quickly replaced by a feeling of "what next?" Well today I lost my phone. No huge dramas, I have spent the past 6 weeks saying goodbye to it anyway since coming to the realisation that my careless ways would inevitably end that partnership soon. We went through ups and downs, highs and lows. It was pretty much the only gadget I owned to escape getting a name: my ipod is pierre, my ipod shuffle is phillipe, and that camera I found (and kept - more karma?) is still refusing to reply to any names I try. Maybe it made an escape, and who can blame it? The past few weeks I had been on a mission to turn my phone into the kind that would make teenage girls green with envy, the ultimate princess phone. I know in Sydney some losers put hangy things on their phones, and even little stickers but it is not very cool. Here the opposite is true, and there seems to be an unspoken rule that phone accessosires, such as sparkles, sparkly stickers, sparkly straps, sparkly jewels should all outway the phone. Actually it could be a spoken rule, who knows - still can't speak Japanese. So then I moved on from that gayer-than-gay endeavour and tried to turn it back into a normal man-phone with skulls and surf stickers. Perhaps a little too much confusion for one phone. I'm sure it will be happier/stabler elsewhere.

In other news today I went to Costco near where I work. It's a giant warehouse of non-Japanese food and stuff. Mostly stuff from America and the novelty of having things in my house that I can read the label of will not wear thin soon! The best discovery today though is that they sell Jim Beam and Absolut vodka for about $10 for 700ml. Insanity. And they sell cases of Coopers Pale Ale cheaper than I reckon you can get them in Oz - about $35. Double insanity. AND they sell Australian steak for about $20 a kilo which is an absolute bargain compared to Japanese beef. Jap beef is full of fat, though it does taste wicked. But the steaks at Costco are like proper steaks, from proper cows. It's funny cos Japanese people will only eat Japanese or Australian beef cos they think all other cows have mad-cows-disease. Nice one.

Hitch-hiker's guide to hip-hop...

So last night I went out in Machida, which is about 7 kms from Sagamiono where I live, for my friend's birthday at the always-sexy Beer Tower (yep, big metre high towers of beer) and then some crazy karaoke. Well, I had decided for some stupid reason to skip my last train and stay out with everyone despite needing to work today. But then this tool decided that I had stolen has mates mobile-phone cos I picked up mine which, like about 29349823175908375238975 others is also silver. Anyway, turns out that I didn't theive it. How suprising. Another mate had taken it accidentally cos it was the same as his. Anyways, I was totally annoyed and decided to walk home at about 3am. In the rain. Stupid. Before I came to Japan I read a book my friend Kylie gave me about this guy who hitch-hiked all the way from the south of Japan to the north. In the book he says that it takes about 2 or 3 cars to pass for another one sees that noone is stopping for you and then they pull over, then they give you a present, then they drop you at your door. So I though I'd find out and assumed the sexiest highway pose ever. That's when the hip-hoppers pulled over and in I hopped. My new second-best-friends are 4 guys about 22 who love hip-hop, midnight, and strangers. And then came the present part, they gave me the CD that was the soundtrack to my madness. It's by a band called "Ketsumeishi" and they are fucking cool. They are these hip-hop guys who name each of their albums "Ass Police" and then a number. The one they gave me is Ass Police 4. Then my new best friends drove me to my front door. Nice.

Mum, if you are reading this I'm sorry I never told you about the earthquakes.

This afternoon I was sitting at home, minding my own business, wondering why the power went off and being devastated that I had wasted a sick-day in my air-conditonless apartment when another little crap earthquake hit. And if I sound relaxed about it that's partly because I still have no energy from climbing Mt Fuji and partly because they happen all the time. Mum, if you are reading this I'm sorry I never told you about the earthquakes. I thought you might not love them too much. Usually they happen in the middle of the night and are finished by the time you realise what has happened. There was that one time of course in Kobe many moons ago when that wasn't exactly the case, but anyway that's pretty much how it goes. So today's little tremor was no big deal. Until the mirror came off my wall. And then I left and went and stood in the carpark alone. The epicentre was in Chiba where my friends are and it was pretty big. Maybe that's why the power was off. My friend Carrie was at work (where I should have been) and her account (www.carrieleasewell.blogspot.com) is a bit funnier.

Wait a sec, I have a barbeque rock in my shoe...

So after months of searching high and low for a glimpse of Fuji I finally got the view I have been dreaming of night and day for the past 26 years. Maybe an exaggeration. I had been so stoked at the thought of climbing Fuji, and this was mostly because despite all of my attepts at seeing it I have never managed to cop 1 single eyeful. I had been living my life in the depths of despair...but that was to end on Thursday night, or so I thought. Little did I know that would happen only after spending a total of about 12 hours ferreting up and then squirreling down the bitch of a mountain. Alon the way, staring out the window of the bus with my eyes concentrating on the mountains that may or may not have been Fuji (and my ears and nose concentrating on anything except the German guy hurling into a plastic bag). The bus then pulled over at a truck-stop sort of thing. It was time to get busy. Not. It was time for the German to ditch his spew bag although for reasons unknown he had grown attatched to the filthy chunder-bag and held onto it. Revolting. Then the bus stopped again and I'm thinking "it's not funny you fucking dirty man-whore, you stink, get rid of the spew" which he may or may not have done. I didn't notice as we prematurely (I thought) got off. We couldn't be there, surely. How could we be at Mt Fuji without me seeing it? Still no sight of Fuji despite being part way up. So off we went.


To cut a very long and hideously tedious story short, we got to the summit just before sunrise. Along the way we battled through many a bitter disappointment interspersed with heroics of which the world has never seen. These included only eating half a pack of tim-tams and managing to save the other half for the top of the mountain, only buying one giant kit-kat along the way, not having any tantrums, not stabbing any of the people carrying american flags (i love americans but come on, it's not the moon guys), and also not getting disembowelled by any mountain lions. Tops. It also didn't help that between the 7th, 8th and 9th stations on the map there are also 7.5 and 8.5 stations to tease you with as you climb up. Bastards.


As we got to the top the full-moon was lighting the summit and our little group of 4 had split into 2. Naomi I got there together and the elation you feel after climbing dust and boulders and pebbles for that long is amazing...until you realise you have to go back down.


I forgot to take my second-best friend Michelle, which is too bad cos there was a vending machine with American Coffee in it. She would have been delighted, as me and Carrie were.


We sat up the top for a while, watched the sunset (amazing), checked out the volcanic crater (cool), breathed the freezing/oxygenless air (sickening), and contemplating making a sled to get down without awakening my sleeping/dead ass muscles. The others ate some noodles while I tried to sleep-off the headache/nausea that started to get to me once we got to the top. After I gave up that idea, on the verge of a tantrum, I whinged enough to get the others to head off.

After hundreds of breaks, a billion rocks (exactly the same as the rocks my Dad puts in his barbeque - they must come from volcanoes) a couple of costume changes, my burning sunscreen/acid peel and the proceeding sunburn, a million descension techniques trialled and binned, no tim-tams, no kit-kats, no coke, no energy (even to have a tantrum), and a thousand various compliments to each other ("we are so amazing", "I'm so glad we did this together you guys", "your climbing outfit was really cute", and "we are sooooo outdoorsy now") we stumbled/fell/ran/squirrelled to the bottom. That's when we saw the fun-runners/idiots. There was actually a race up the mountain. As I write this, on Saturday I still don't have enough energy to describe how ridiculous an idea that is.


If I wrote a dictionary, and I probably will, Fuji will mean:

"Filthy, dirty mountain 2 hours from Tokyo, the climbing of which is highly stupid. Famous for it's snowy peak and the gorgeous panoramas of which it is the centrepeice. Suprisingly it is not as famous for its abundance of barbeque rocks. Looks better from the bottom than the top, and much better at both the top and bottom than in the middle."

Once we were at the bottom, finally looking up at Fuji-san, we that it is totally a crap idea to see it before you climb it. Not so much for the appreciation you will have for what you have overcome, but mainly just because if you see it first you will totally not even try. Unless you are a fun-runner. And I'm not.


So anyways, now we are outdoorsy.

Culture...and dead goldfish.

Yesterday was a day of culture. The idea was to meet at Kudanshita near the centre of Tokyo and spend the day at a shrine there for something we were referring to vaguely as "that lantern festival". I still don't quite know what it was about but regardless it was cool. It was kind of like this lantern festival thing at a shrine there. In case you didn't figure that out. Anwyays, there was lots of food, and lots of culture. And lots of lanterns. There was also lots of alcohol. A suspiciously large amount actually. And suspiciously overpriced. In Japan if you want to booze up cheaply you head to the convenience store. Super cheap. After finding out that the beers were ¥500 that is exactly what we did. Imagine our horror/disgust/confusion when the usally reliable am/pm store had nothing. Nothing. Jeez. And after much panicing, and mini-theatrics we decided that we would just this once hook into some heinekin at the only convenience store in the area to have any beer left. Carrie (a self declared booze hag - check her blog: www.carrieleasewell.blogspot.com) was none too pleased either, since the Great Chu-hi Famine of July 2005 had just hit Kudanshita and hence there was NONE to be found. This is unheard of. But after careful consideration, and the realisation that she would need to be sobre all day she caved. It was at this festival that we were all introduced to a stupid/hilarious game you play at festivals and stuff, kind of like something you would play at the show to win a prize. It is called Kingyo Sukui and it' a bit nasty. There is a big container of goldfish (some alive, many dead) and each player is given a scoop, which is a plastic handle with a platic ring on it (like a mirrorless mirror) and there is a sheet of paper stretched across the ring. This is the scoop. The challenge is to see how many live goldfish you can scoop up into a tray in a set amount of time before your paper scoop deteriorates. Retarded. Pachinko for children.


Anyways, we got tired of the festival and headed over to the Imperial Palace to check out another festival thing. We got to the gardens of the palace and gave up. We had no idea where it was, the gardens are ridiculously big, there are moats, and buildings, and the size of the property is riculous. I'm guessing about 1km x 1km at least. So we went to the convenience store and bought booze. Another day of culture reduced to public drinking. Beautiful.

Bonjour!

So I went to the supermarket after work today and was minding my own business, listening to my ipod to protect my fragile ears from the harsh j-pop tunes peircing through the dodgy supermarket speakers and I noticed that I was being followed by an oldish Japanese lady. I know what you're thinking, "Andrew you are the sexiest man in the world, surely this is not unfamiliar to a dreamboat like you!" and you would be correct, however this was not ordinary stalker. In addition to wearing enough perfume and make-up for a thousand princesses/prostitutes she had like 10 handbags. Bitch, I only had 3.

Anyways, she came up to me after about 15 minutes of my less than stealthy avoidance tactics and said some bullshit in French (this is debatable given that I can't speak French). Then she said in Japanese, "are you French?" Despite me saying that no, I was not French, she continued to speak French to me. My Japanese is OK so I was able to say "I'm not French, and I can't speak French. I'm Australian and I can speak some Japanese (so fucking stop speaking to my in French you retard)" Unfortunately I can't say "I can't speak French and additionally I don't want you to start teaching me here in the supermarket thank you very much" because the freak pulled out her French text-book and started translating from French to Japanese. I'm like, "Jeez, I need to shop" and she's like "bonjour!" For fuck sake.

Then she pulls out a train map of our area and starts writing how many gaijin (non-japs) she knows that live at each station. I'm like, "you've done this before, hey?" and she's like "oui!" Her map is gonna be a total lie now though cos when she asked me where I live I told her another station. I'm too smart for her sneaky ways.

News Just In

Sake comes in poppers. And I love it.

An Air of Uncertainty is Looming...

So it's been about 3 months since I got here to Japan, and time has totally flown! Not unlike the psycho jets at the US army base in my city. So anyways, I'm off probation now at work which is supersexy, despite the fact that I am "generating an air of uncertainty amongst the Japanese staff" due to me coming to work consistently within 10 minutes of the time I start. I was like, "well if I get here at that time everyday, how are they uncertain about whether I'll be here or not?" Given that Japan is so on-time with everything I don't want to startle the precious flowers by getting to work too early, right? Also I'm considering a relocation to somewhere more fantastic. At work we have to teach a class called "voice" which is essentially a room of students and 1 teacher and you just talk shit. It makes you feel like a whore though. So with my plans to transfer in mind I took it upon myself to use a voice class today to get them to rate 8 major cities (or potential new homes) using a system of 5 stars on the following categories: beautiful(ness), weather, public transport, food, interesting(ness), amount of snow, green(ness), relaxing(ness), safe(ness). Little did they know that their precious voice-yen was being used to aid the relocation of my modern life. And the place to be apparently is Kyoto. Osaka would also be good, but unfortunately it only gets 1 out 5 stars for safe(ness). I'll talk to my kinder class about it too, although I'm pretty sure the only thing they would say is "gorgeous" since it is the only word I have taught them. As a result it is the only word they respond to as praise. Unless I say it's gorgeous they think it sucks. Subsequently all I hear is "Sensei mitte. Dekitta. Gorgeous desu ka." Which means, "Teacher look, I'm finished. Is it gorgeous?" Yes. Yes it is gorgeous.

The Winning Edge

Previously I have mentioned that at times life can be somewhat trying here in the land of the alledgely rising sun. Lately there has been little/no evidence of this occuring since its been pissing down for ages. Anyways, never is the daily grind more painful than during the morning sprint to work. I have to change train lines (and also stations) on my way and am usually in a ridiculous/hang-over/overslept rush/rampage. I don't know what it is that makes Japanese people so fucking fit but I feel like a wounded goat being trampled by a horde of wilderbeast. The same thing happens at the gym too. I've taken quite a shining to the countless rows of exercise bikes there probably because that is wear the oldies hang out. Still, when I look at the speed they are riding it is always higher than mine which is a constant 6 out of 12 and they are usually about 8. Fuckers. Also when I am riding/dying my bike's little red light thing often flashes. I found out that means my heart rate has left the "aerobically effective" zone and moved into the "dangerously close to a mid-twenties heart-attack" zone. And the grannies are totally into doing the aerobics classes. Sounds uneventful right? Wrong. All of the classes are run superfly J-chicks/fags who are currently going through the "hip-hop is a valid form of exercise" phase of their lycra-clad modern lives. The result is this: 3 homos, 12 school girls, and 50 old women and men "dancing" like Paris Hilton to totally innapropriate ghetto music. It's awesome. And since standing out in a crowd is not really the done thing here, they are all in perfect J-Lo time. I need to secretly film them. It's the kind of ghetto-hot that makes you want to join a gang and car-jack people. Word.

More blogging sexiness!

So having studied special ed at uni I'm all about being inclusive of people with needs more "exceptional" than my own. In order to accomodate those amongst you who can't read good I have made a brand-spanking-new blog just to put photos on. Having said that, if you can read this entry you are doing pretty well!

So go click on the link over on the left hand side to check it out or go to www.pixofandrewsomewhere.blogspot.com for lots of visual loving!

Also, today I went on a bit of an excursion around Tokyo, firstly to the temple thing next to Tokyo Tower, and then over to Asakusa. I have been meaning to get over there ever since I got here because that is where the Asahi Beer Hall is. It's the best building ever and I love it! Phillipe Starck designed it and I did some study on it when I was at UTS doing Industrial Design. Inside it is restaurants and stuff so of course I went in and scoffed some pizza and beer. Very cool. The building is supposed to be a flame I think though I have heard conflicting stories. Japanese people call it "the golden turd" but in Japanese funnily enough. I think it's actually called "La Flamme d'Or" or at least the restaurant is.